There is such a hole in my heart..a total emptiness that I don't see being filled, ever.I am trying to be better at this, but how do you do that? My future held so many happy thoughts and plans that included my mom. She had lived away from me for so long, I was thrilled at the prospect of seeing here almost whenever I wanted to...taking walks, going shopping, spending holidays together..seeing her enjoy life. She was a young mom..sometimes it felt like we were friends..or even sisters..
But that is all gone.
So yes, I must find a way to deal with it. I can't say I have made it one day without tears since she died, but I have tried.
I can say that my belief in God, is gone for the moment.
I am someone who thought she had a strong faith. It was always so easy to imagine my dad, who I lost when I was 16, as still being with me in some way. But, was that to appease myself..to make myself feel better? I don't want an illusion in my mind, one that may not exist..to give me a false feeling that there is something beyond all this. I guess what I am saying, is..I want her to be at peace..to be happy and be pain free. I don't want that last breath she took to be the last consciousness of her soul. She deserves so much more. Her life was often not a happy or easy one. I so want there to be an afterlife where she is experiencing joy. But I need to feel that in my heart..to feel that an afterlife exists..and believe it down to my very being..I do not feel that anymore..I am afraid to..because what if there is nothing..My nightstand no longer has the latest Jodi Piccoult books on it..it is cluttered with books about heaven, crossing over and life after death..yes, I am not willing to give up on these things..but I am not willing to believe them again either, so I will try to search..my heart, my soul..and the words of others.
I never thought I would have to question such things..I know others have had to, others have been through horribly, tragic losses..I could have never imagined their grief..until now.
I find myself searching for ways to fill this emptiness.
Whatever I find to fill it, it must be something good and true...because that is what I lost..and in her memory I will try to do that..I just need to figure out how.
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4 comments:
i am so very sorry for your heartache. and they say our mother's dying are the hardest to take, so it's understandable, it's still so soon since her passing. here is the name of a book that my father in law read just before dying that changed his and my life forever, about understandings and such, delilah...BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE. it is written by a rabbi whose son would die early and did. it's an easy read, so basic, yet profoundly lets you know there is a loving GOD, and HE is not the one doing this. i shall keep you in prayer and my daily positive thoughts always. thank you for reaching out to others, that is so healing in itself. xoxo
I like your blog!...Daniel
You so eloquently expressed the depth of sorrow we feel at a great loss. I am happy to see that you can still create the beautiful words you do so well. Your Mom would be so proud. I am so sorry for your loss. Please accept my thoughts and prayers.
I'm sending a huge, loving hug your way today. Unfortunately, I too questioned God's wisdom and judgment when I lost my brother. I was only 18 and he was 12. I was angry with God for a long, long time. I lost my brother AND my faith. Believe it or not, things WILL get better. And I also know that your Mom (and my brother) are in a loving, pain free, joyful place. She will always be with you, Jenn. Blessings, Terri xoxo
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