Sun on your face...one of my favorite feelings.
Everyone seems to reach up towards it, that glowing orb in the sky.
I came home from work today, hoping it would peek out from behind some clouds. It didn't. That was ok. I was happy for almost balmy feel of the temperature outside, and the fact that it would stay light out long enough for a four or five mile run. The fresh air felt so good! I keep forgetting we have another another month of winter left, it seems like spring is just waiting to happen. Barely any snow all season! Fine with me, more clear roads and sidewalks to run on!

In this moment

The present, this moment. The only piece of time that is real, stands here with us. It is not yesterday, or tomorrow. This moment is all we ever have. So why wouldn't we make the most of it? Well, first one has to realize the enormity of such a thought. We are not guaranteed anymore or any less. Don't waste another one not saying or doing what you plan to. Don't let there be the unsaid or undone, to haunt you in the next moment.
Oh so much easier said than accomplished. I must say I had been doing pretty good with "each moment". I even said to my husband a few weeks ago, that I was feeling better over all. I was almost feeling back to my old self. I am not usually one to dwell, to over examine, to linger and let things bother me, at least that used to not be my description. But then moments, those unremoveable and unspoken moments came back to haunt me. It has been a challenging week. But that is my fault. It is after all the way you see things right? Some things I am powerless over, but I have let them have power over me. It is so hard sometimes to believe you deserve anything better than that, at least it is for me. My goal this week is to not be overtaken, to live for the moments, and let a bit of joy come into them.

The storm

It was a dark and viciously strong storm, winding it's way across hearts and souls, leaving a path of horrific destruction..


For the past year so much has been going on in my life. Besides the obvious that I write about here, there have been other things that have been difficult for me. They have been right beside me every moment of this year, with every breathe of my grief. Coping with the greatest loss of my life thus far, and a path that has led to the destruction of much that I hold dear, has been scarring to say the least.
A downward spiral, it has been. A little voice in the back of my head has been tugging at my heart, telling me to watch it or I may just lose it all. And I, indeed, have lost a lot.
Unsettled is a word I would use to describe how I have often felt. The more clarity I gain, the more I realize what I have destroyed, almost single handed.
I am however, responsible for my own thoughts, my own actions. In saying that, I have decided to make some changes in life. This is one thing, maybe the only thing at the moment, that gives me a feeling of peace. Perhaps because I know it is the right thing. I am looking forward to the changes it can bring. At the same time looking back on the losses and hurtful things that have brought me to a crossroad.
Perhaps this will lessen the dull emptiness that keeps creeping through my uneasy soul.

Looking UP

It has been a non productive month for me so far. I have been sick for almost two weeks now, still not quite better, but working on it.
Just when I am feeling better overall, I get a nasty cold that has turned into the never ending cough. I started a new class online, towards my bachelors in nursing. Last semester I took two online classes and it was a bit much for me at the time. Taking one right now seems to fit better.
I ordered my first studio equipment today! Nothing spectacular. Just a background stand and some umbrellas with lights. Can't wait to play with them! I feel like such a child! I guess one could compare it to my husband and his "toys". (four wheeler, snowmobile, tractor, tools ect. ect.)

Anyways, like I said, am working on getting better, in my grieving process (does it ever end? or just change?) and in my health. Which leads me to my next thought to tell you.

I had the most wonderful dream last night. They say when a deceased person visits you in your dreams, it is their spirit there to see you. Unless it's a nightmare, spirits of loved ones never come to scare you in a dream. But if it isn't a nightmare, they say it is really them. I had a dream of my mom last night. She looked absolutely beautiful. She had the most gorgeous porcelain skin when she was alive. It was positively perfect in my dream. She had the face of an angel. She looked perfect, there was not a flaw on her.
I suppose that is fitting, because that is what she is now. I am so thankful that I could at least see her in my dream, because I know that is the only way I ever will while I remain alive and breathing on this earth. Love you mom.